I shared this story in 2015 on my whatsApp status. However, today, I am sharing it here with an update. At the time I shared this, I thought that the mere fact that I had been open about my shame meant that I would no longer struggle with it. I thought that I could just “get up and go”. That was not the case. The years of inferiority complex, self-pity and living with shame could not just be written off.
I had to take time to process it all and heal. In 2022, I slowly began accepting myself. I am still on that journey and sometimes, I find myself slipping into that pit again. However, now, I am able to catch myself and pull myself back. What has really helped me have been prayers, my friends who tap my shoulders when I am slipping into negativity and consciously reminding myself that societal standards do not determine my worth.
Societal standards do not determine my worth
Thetrotrogirl
So, here it is…
My childhood
Every child is born with potential. No matter where, how or to whom a child is born, a long journey awaits it. Just like every other child, I was also born with potential. I believe as the first child, my cry was music in the ears of my parents, family and friends. But sooner than later, this same cry changed from music to “echoes of pain” in the ears of these same loved ones.
From that day, I guess the baby Belinda began writing a whole new story. I suffered from malaria but “fortunately” for me, the nurse gave me the “wrong injection”. I would then have to live the rest of my life with that. The result was a right limb that showed no sign of life. Would I then have to be dependent on others for movement? No, miracles do happen. I walked.
However, as I grew, people kept telling me to stand straight, others would hold me and try to force me to be as straight as they thought I should be. It was worrying coupled with the fact that the elderly ones thought that I was being disrespectful. I had one woman complain about this to my mum and that was when I heard the whole story for myself. My parents made me believe that as I grew, I would become “normal”. Though I bought into the idea, I resolved to hide.
My identity and “fitting in”
I became a “prisoner of life” , uncomfortable being me. My clothes became my hiding place. I took an interest in wearing clothes that were bigger than my size, for a young, slim girl. and at any available chance I would hide behind someone with the excuse that “I am very tall” I felt lost and cheated by nature. I kept looking back each time, to be sure there was no one staring from behind. In school, people laughed at how BIG my uniforms were. In senior high school, the story was no different. I began using my cardigan as camouflage. I wore it 24 hours a day. Whenever my friends hid it or seized it, I decided to use my bag.
One day, in my final days in Senior High School, I received commendation from the headmistress for attending a school gathering without a cardigan. The applause was thunderous. They never knew my real reason. Recently, medical professionals diagnosed my condition as “scoliosis” with a severe shift of the spine to the right” making my right leg inches shorter than my left. I was told that more than 20% of people with this type of scoliosis are unable to walk. The issue is that, having scoliosis was not my only reason for being angry with who I was “or what nature had made me” but my height gave me trouble.
Yes, even my height
My height is about 5.9ft. I was almost always the tallest everywhere I found myself, especially among my mates in school while growing up. This earned me so many names as people laughed and teased. I had so many unanswered questions. When I entered the university, I may not have encountered people who made fun of me but those years of being teased lived on in my head. It was not until my second year that I made a conscious effort to leave the old me behind and embrace who I really am.
Self-acceptance
I have now become a girl who accepts herself for who she is. The new me does not allow scoliosis to be a hindrance at all. I have moved from “elongating the shadows of those behind whom I hid”, to a young lady who stands tall with great height and is proud of who she is. Today, I am no longer the shy, ashamed and “afraid-to-be” me girl.
Therefore, dear friend, rise up and embrace life. Discard the old self and take on a new you. God has made you UNIQUELY YOU. Rise up and take on the challenge and you will realise that most people do not see you the way you think they do, you only view yourself the way you think they do.
And remember, your view of self is all that really matters.
